


I've had Worse

by LavenderMochi



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Enjoy reading one man lose his will to live! :), Gore, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt No Comfort Is Cancelled, I'm Going To Give The Trash Rat The Ending He Deserves, Kinda Happy Ending idk, Not Happy, Self-Indulgent, Torture, Whump, and read this today and you too can get your own Intrulogical content absolutely free, at 2 am like a mad lad, now better formatted for your enjoyment, that's right free, written on phone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2020-01-01
Packaged: 2020-11-22 13:21:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 9,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20874884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LavenderMochi/pseuds/LavenderMochi
Summary: Remus finds himself at the mercy of the figments trapped in the Subconscious. Unfortunately, they are not very merciful.





	1. I've had Worse

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Nichts](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nichts/gifts).

> Please read the tags, I really don't know what else to say, this is a self indulgent whump fic written at 2am. Don't expect anything to make sense.

Remus knew it was a bad idea to open the entrance to the Subconscious. He knew when it was a bad idea to do a lot of things, but the fear of the consequences had never been enough to deter him.

When there were rules, Remus deliberately found ways to break them.

When Remus was told no, he only heard yes.

It was just who he was.

But this time, Remus wished he wasn't him. It wasn't often Remus felt regret, never, in fact, but just this once, he wished he had listened to the rules and the 'no's instead of his nature.

But, Remus considered, this wasn't too bad. No one could hardly blame him. Remus has had worse.

The moment he opened the door to the Subconscious, he had been taken, gripped by the icy fingers of figments that have never seen the light of day, dragging him down, deeper and deeper until all he could smell was darkness and numbness.

He was back, and he wished he never was.

It had been so long ago.

He could only grasp at the pieces—his mind was going hazy now that he tried to recall—much like how he was barely holding on to pieces of himself physically.

It was after The Spilt.

All he could remember was remembering Roman. Well, he wasn't so much Roman and Remus wasn't so much Remus back then. Back then, Roman was good, Remus was bad. Bad was not good, it was what needed to be rid of. He had been torn apart from himself—painfully, Remus recalled gleefully—because all they ever wanted was a Prince. Remus was not.

And cast away into the Subconscious. Away.

The figments found him, drew him in with those same icy fingers that had once felt like family and like home because it was all the warmth he had ever received.

They liked his demented thoughts and twisted jokes. They wanted him to be bad. After all, they'd punish him if he ever tried to be good. Good meant Roman, and Remus couldn't be Roman, he had to be Remus. He had to be Intrusive Thoughts.

But Remus always broke the rules.

They liked to beat him black and blue, until he could taste nothing but salt and metal and his swollen tongue. They liked to whip him until the skin on his back was like a ragged cloth, full of holes and torn and ripped and scarred beyond repair.

And Remus liked it, too. But he wished he didn't. It hurt so bad. He liked it. He hated the tears and the blood, and had grown to hate the taste of leather and matches. He liked it. The satisfaction of breaking the rules, enjoying it because it was against anyone's expectations. He just couldn't get enough. Remus hated it.

So, again and again, he would be good, just to see, maybe, just to see how much he could enjoy himself. And hate it.

_My, aren't I so full of contradictions_, Remus thought to himself with an ironic sigh.

Remus wriggled against the metal cuffs around his wrists, turning his pale skin red and raw—like most things in the world he enjoyed. Apples, rotten veal, gums after removing the teeth, and to an extent, buttholes.

Remus cackled as his attempts proved useless, the sharp sound echoing into the darkness and floating away, like a carcass shoved carelessly into a bottomless well full of ink-black water. Remus choked on his own sound, remembering how ruined his voice was, no doubt due to the screaming. Or maybe the choking. Or maybe the glass.

Remus winced. This wasn't bad, he told himself, I've had worse.

Chained, strung up, whipped, one little finger cut away, piles of guts spilled over bloody thighs, bruises on his neck either from the rope or from needy lips—Remus couldn't remember too clearly, everything was so hazy and dizzy and that wasn't because he was missing an eye—, glass shoved down his throat, a gash smashed into his skull that caked his hair with dried blood, burns that were still crisp and now oozing pus.

_I've had worse._

Maybe they would've been more gentle if he hadn't escaped all those years ago.

Or maybe Remus shouldn't have let himself open the entrance to the Subconscious. He didn't know why he did it in the first place. How strange, and exciting in a way, it was to him not to be able to understand his own impulses.

But, oh well. Nothing to be done about it now, and no doubt nothing to be done about it later, either. Remus knew his chances of getting out of the Subconscious for a second time were infinitesimal. The figments would never let him go back. He belonged to them, he was a subconscious idea, after all.

Pity.

Remus's body grew rigid when the light sound of approaching footsteps itched his ears. Remus flicked his eye up, the crusty stands of greyish hair falling over his sweaty, tearstained face and sticking to his cheeks. Remus's lips curled into a grin.

"Kept me waiting," his voice scratched, his tone humorless.

There was a dark chuckle and suddenly frigid fingers dug into the tender skin of his jaw. Remus moaned though he didn't mean to.

"Whatchya gunna do to me next, huh?" Remus taunted bravely, knowing full well he shouldn't but doing so anyway. "I have a perfectly good hole where my eye used to be, if you'd be interested in fucking that. And I still have all of my teeth—a shame, really. And I personally think my poor legs have be neglected from this sweet, sweet abuse."

There was a growl and a second hand was at Remus's throat, causing him to hack violently until blood and phlegm dribbled down his chin. Remus laughed hoarsely, gritty like sand, and lapped up the body fluids with his tongue.

"Yes, please, shove your fingers into my throat, I promise I have no gag reflex."

A knee collided with Remus's exposed guts and Remus let out a strangled scream. And then laughed.

Tears were streaming down his face and his body shook, tired and threatening to give out on him.

Remus's pitiful laugh died in his throat when he heard the sound of dragging leather and the smell hit him hard. This time, real tears filled his one good eye and he opened his mouth to beg but-

Crack!

Remus's back arched as the whip licked his skin raw and a grating scream ripped through his throat.

"Please please, please, please," Remus chanted, sounding so utterly destroyed.

"Please what?" growled a disembodied voice from the unforgiving darkness.

"More," Remus begged, "Please more."

The whip came down on him again and again and Remus screamed and screamed and screamed.

_I've had worse._


	2. Happy Place

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this was meant to be a oneshot but...

Remus missed Logan. That was probably the biggest thing Remus regretted.

And it was weird to him, to regret something. Remus barely ever felt regret for doing, or not doing, anything. Maybe once or twice before. Opening the door, for one. Logan, for two.

And, now, why am I thinking of regret? Remus asked the no one in his head.

It was the darkness. When all he could see was black and all he could hear was a drippy sound like water--he knew it was his own blood--Remus was trapped inside his own head. Tap, tap, tap- that sound rung endlessly in his mind as he hung from the chains around his wrists. It hurt, but his wrists had grown numb a while ago. And the pain, he could deal with. The tapping, not so much.  
One could only listen to tapping for so long before completely losing their minds.

Funny, Remus thought, I thought I had already gone mad.

  
So, in the darkness, Remus couldn't stop when he thought the thoughts--ever.

  
And now, his mind turned to Logan, to regret.  
Logan was something he regretted. More specifically, he regretted not being able to tell Logan about the feelings that had been festering inside his dully beating heart like maggots for a while now, which, ironically, was also a literal feeling.

  
Yes, Remus could admit to himself that he was in love with Logan.

  
Logan. Logan. Just the thought of the cute nerd made everything better in Remus's head. It was a source of comfort for him, in the sliver of his mind that remained unscathed--so far--from the abuse set on by the figments. And as far as Remus was concerned, they would never hurt him through Logan, he wouldn't let them. He had to hang on to the thought of Logan, to keep that image of Logan pure from tainted fingers. He would guard it with his life. It was the only way he knew he could survive--not that he could die, not forever at least--but it was the last shred of sanity left within him, a ground beneath his feet.

  
Still, I wish I told him how I felt before I became this mess, Remus thought with a sad laugh.

  
As Remus hung there, his wrists screaming in pain and the tapping of blood piercing his ears, that was where he went. He thought of Logan and he was overcome with a sense of bliss-- everything blurred away.


	3. Take, Take, Take

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no, looks like I'm developing a plot now

Remus could stand a lot of things.

Honestly, physical pain wasn't even that bad. It was tolerable. Kinky, even. And Remus would take all the pain he was given and would still beg for more because that was all he knew how to do, was take, take, take and never give.

And how generous of the Figments to oblige?

As a way to give, most of the Figments opted for physical pain.

Keyword: most.

The Figments were interesting. They each embodied something that was locked away from the conscious mind, things that could hurt their Host, Thomas. Fantasy, Apathy, Hatred, Recklessness, Depression, Intrusive Thoughts- anything that went against the purest form of what it meant to be human. Things like thinking logically, a sense of morality, following aspirations, and listening to survival instinct. These were the qualities that made up the deemed 'good' Sides.

Narcissism was a Figment. One of the nastiest, not because the pain he gave was effective, but because it wasn't physical.

The tricky thing about it was that Narcissism took the time to build a relationship, to build trust. Only so the fall would hurt twice as much.

And that was why it was easy to find comfort in Narcissism.

So, putting it lightly, Remus hated Narcissism with the entirety of his entire being.

Remus couldn't explain the fear he felt--or was it excitement?--when he saw a shadowy body approach him. He shifted his tired, abused body in his restraints, unconsciously trying to escape, but not being able to. The anticipation of what was to come felt like bugs crawling under his skin.

"It's been a long time, Remus."

"So it has," Remus replied drily, also in a literal sense. "You're the one who kept me waiting."

"You're the one who left me, actually." It snapped back. Suddenly, there was a hand caressing Remus's cheek and Remus flinched, expecting to be hit or something. But there was nothing but supposed kindness in the frigid touch. "But, it's alright, I forgive you."

Remus knew, he _knew_, not to be so easily swayed by those words--the words of warmth he desired to have--, but when they were given to him, he couldn't help but take. He unwillingly leaned into the touch, feeling relieved at the contact that wasn't hurting him.

And just as quickly as he gave in, the hand left his cheek. Remus whined weakly, on the verge of sobbing.

"While I may forgive you, you still made me angry. Do you know how much you hurt me? I've missed you so much, Remus. I don't think you'll ever understand." There was a pause. "I'm the only one who truly loves you, don't you know that?"

"The day I left, you said you-" Remus laughed, tears falling down his face. "You said you hated me."

"Well, how could I love someone who was planning to abandon me?" It asked. A hand was in Remus's hair, it's fingers stroking back his stringy fringe. The feigned gentleness almost made Remus forget about the pain. "You don't get to speak to me like that, not after what you did."

Tears made their way into Remus's mouth. The salty taste was a welcome change from the taste of rust.

"But, it's alright. You've always been so good to me, you'll earn my love back in no time. As long as you listen to me. As long as you trust me."

"And until then?"

Narcissism hummed. "Well, I can't promise you won't be hurt anymore, but... we'll see."


	4. Rational

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yikes

Remus didn't fear much, if anything at all. Fears were irrational and Remus was quite fond of scary, irrational things.

In the dark, Remus tried to remember his favorite fears. The fear of pain. The fear of fear. What a strange one, that one.

Remus didn't fear much. There was one fear of his which he hated because it was the only one that was rational.

Apathy scared Remus.

Remus knew he was intense, being Intrusive Thoughts and all, and he knew he probably had no right to talk--not that he could anymore, they wired his mouth shut for the time being, but anyway-

The lack of anything alive inside of Apathy was terrifying. He felt no remorse, no concern, no sympathy- ever. Just emptiness.

Remus often found himself wondering how a Figment could be so resigned to being alive but never really living. Maybe, Remus considered, that was why Apathy hurt him the most and often--to remind himself he WAS still alive.

But that wasn't the only reason he found Apathy terrifying. Remus learned throughout his time in the Subconscious that Apathy hit the the hardest out of all the Figments. It wasn't that he was afraid of physical pain, but his body seemed to remember every bruise and would always start to shake whenever Apathy got too near. Silly bodies.

So, when it suddenly got quiet and the air grew stale, Remus's body began to shake. And he knew what that meant.

_Oh, God, those footsteps are getting close. Oh, God, I don't want to hurt anymore-_

A weak whine groaned through Remus's throat. He tugged at his wrists in the chains, again, and again, and again, but the restraints did not give, as if they finally would if Remus hoped hard enough. By this point, he was sure the metal cuffs had eaten through his muscles to the bone. It was hard to tell considering he could barely feel his purpling fingers, but at least they looked pretty.

"Oh, good, they shut you up. I hate when you talk. Your voice is so ugly."

Remus eyed the approaching figure wearily and even through his hazy vision, Remus could tell it was Apathy. It was obvious just how overwhelmingly bored Apathy was.

Not. Good.

A cold finger lifted Remus by the chin and a thumb pressed into the punctures in Remus's lips. Remus jerked his head back involuntarily and cried out, only managing to make it worse, like everything else he did in life.

Ow.

"Huh. Fascinating." Came the completely monotone voice. "You still have some fight in you, huh? Why don't you just give up? There's no point, no point to anything, really. We're all going to die in the end."

Remus willed himself to stare straight at the Figment before him, even despite the tears or the blood or the fear tricking down his face. And glared.

Apathy's head tilted and he smiled. Dully. There was nothing alive in either of his eyes. "You know, that's why I've always liked you the least. There's always something else for you, isn't there? The next idea, the next experience. God, won't you ever just see that it's useless and stupid? You're so stupid."

A fist collided with Remus's cheek. Remus choked on a scream as the force tore his lips, slicing the wire through the tender, swollen skin. Remus allowed himself a moment to breathe--which was getting hard to do because the snot--and collect his crumbling self into a somewhat more cohesive state-

Oh, wait, when was that something he was allowed to do? Being collected was being too much like Roman, and that could never do.

"You know, Remus, I really couldn't care less about you. Out of all of us, you're really the most pathetic, you know that? Fuck, you're just so willing to prove yourself." A hand clawed Remus's hair, its grip like iron and just as unrelenting. "Just so you can have our attention, or love, all of that disgusting, useless shit. Well, guess what, I'll let you in on a secret. No one fucking cares about you, Remus. That's why we treat you the way we do. Because your pathetic self will never be worthy of anything. Because that's just the truth of life."

Remus whined, trying to pull away, not because he wanted to get away from the pain, but because he want to get away from Apathy.

_Scared, scared, scared-_

He wished the words would go in his ear and out the other, like most words did, but what Apathy had said stuck to him like he was made out of glue and he needed to get away.

The Figment, sporting a sarcastic smirk, pulled hard, forcing Remus to stare directly at him.

"Fucking stupid."

Remus couldn't understand when the feeling of fear swelled bigger within him and all he could do was cry muffled whimpers and tears. And somehow that hurt more than when Apathy's knuckles caressed his skin and pressed black and blue kisses everywhere on the remainder of pieces of himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What the heck,,,
> 
> The little goblin man inside my head is out of control.


	5. Hate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus suffers a lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Halloween!! Here's a long chapter for y'all in celebration of the spookiest holiday of them all!!

Remus only hated one thing.

There weren't many circumstances that he could say that, because Remus loved a lot of weird, unacceptable things. Dictators, dissections--honestly, it became more like torture with a live specimen--, dicks, preferably more than one, especially inside him.

No, no, no, none of that was a turn off for him, quite the contrary, actually.

No, Remus hated being alone. More specifically, he hated being ignored. There was just something so unpleasant about being left in his own company, forced to share his own ideas with the hallucinations that hid in his peripheral vision. Because nobody wanted to listen to him. Or because nobody wanted to be around him. Or, Remus supposed, because nobody cared for him, like Apathy had said earlier.

He hated that. So much.

He didn't even know the reason why, but he knew that whenever he was ignored, he felt like he would literally lose it. Like he would suddenly explode into a pile of confetti, bits and pieces of human matter scattered everywhere. He hated it, he hated being ignored.

At least the Figments kept him good enough company. At least he had that.

_That reminds me,_ Remus thought happily, a smile curling on his lips despite, well, everything. It was okay though, he didn't mind the pain. _I miss Logan. He would always listen to me, if I had something interesting to say._

Logan, the curious creature he was, had always offered his attention to Remus's creations and did his best to understand the morbid messes that spewed out of Remus's head. Anyone else would've dismissed him--okay, maybe not Roman, Roman did actually listen to him, too. But Logan. Logan really tried to make sense of his world where logic was naught. Every word he spoke, every piece of criticism, meant the world to Remus, and he took all of it like a slutty prostitute in a brothel.

God, Logan.

Remus wanted so badly to see him again.

The tears wouldn't stop coming and his lungs wheezed and seized and Remus couldn't breathe. It was a strange combination of bliss and frustration now when he thought of Logan, something he could never have, having resigned himself to remain in the Subconscious for all of eternity.

It seemed that Logan was slipping away from him now, too. Logan was slipping like sand through the cracks of his fingers, fading away with everything good and happy. No matter how tightly he held on.

But goddammit, Remus was going to hold on until his palms bled.

Remus didn't want to lose Logan. He didn't want to be alone. He wanted what he saw everytime he closed his eyes; Logan, Roman, Patton, Virgil, and Deceit. Holding him. Cherishing him. In a place that was warmer and didn't always drip.

But...

"Hello, Remus."

The Figment of Hatred would have to do instead.

Remus grew weary when he heard the footsteps approaching him. He attempted to lift his head, but no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't. It was like his head had turned into a bag of rocks.

He was just so weak. He wanted to get away. He wanted Logan-

A hand gripped his cheek and Remus moaned, leaning desperately into the touch. When he closed his eyes, he felt Logan's hands. His hands were...calloused and...cold. No, that wasn't right. Logan had soft, warm hands.

Remus blinked his eye open with a groan, trying to pull away from the hand that held him.

_Too cold, not Logan-_

"There you are." The distinct purr of Hatred's voice itched his ears. "Oh, look at you. You're so pretty..." Too rough fingers and nails picked at the scabs and the wire twisted in Remus's lips. "Maybe if you weren't such a bitch, we wouldn't have had to shut you up."

Against his better judgement, Remus jerked his head away from the painful touch with an attempted hiss.

_You're not Logan, don't touch me, don't touch me-_

A fist collided with Remus's bruised cheek, causing an audible crack, followed by a hoarse, muffled scream.

"Did I say you could move?" Hatred's rough voice roared. "You deserved that, you bitch! Stop being so disobedient!"

Remus struggled to regain a composure, what with everything falling apart both physically and mentally. The world was too spinny and his lungs were sputtering like a choked engine.

Remus, naturally, let out a sarcastic laugh that sounded more like a cough.

"Hold still," Hatred said, in warning. "Unlike Apathy, I like it better when you scream. God, I'm going to make you suffer."

The Figment held him by the chin as its fingers dug the wire out from Remus's lips. Remus resorted to vocalising his protest with a weak groan, but otherwise remained completely still, not wanting to get hit again.

As soon as the wire was removed from his lips, Remus let out a laugh, the kind that jostled his ribs and made his teeth hurt. In a grating voice, Remus spoke for the first time in too long, all the intrusive thoughts spilling from his mouth all at once. "Ooh, how nice it is to have my lips back. Now you can indulge on- ha, ha- everything my mouth has to offer. I'm quite talented with my tongue- oh, but you better hurry because Apathy said he'll cut it off." Remus continued to laugh until all the air was gone from his chest and all he could do was crumble into a mess of sobs. _Shut up, why can't I shut up? All I want is Logan-_ "I promise I'll scream. I'll do anything for you, Daddy."

"You're so typical, Remus. You make me sick." Hatred scoffed. "God, I hate you."

Remus laughed, followed by violent hacking. He licked at the tears and snot running down his face. And smiled. "If we're being honest, I hate you, too, Daddy."

Hatred cocked an eyebrow in his direction. "Is that so? Well, guess what, Remus, I'm also the one who loves you the most out of all of us." Hatred tangled his hand into Remus's hair, jerking his head up to meet eye to eye with Remus.

Remus growled in pain, gritting his teeth, yet still grinning. "Yes, Daddy, I love it when you pull my hair. Harder, Daddy. Pretty please? I promise your little girl will behave."

Hatred growled. "Shut up!"

"Make me."

Hatred slammed his knuckles into Remus's chest, right into a fresh bruise Apathy had given him earlier. Remus wheezed as the air was forced out of him, and then he coughed and coughed until all he was hacking up was blood.

"Don't fucking test my fucking patience."

Wheezing a desperate breath, Remus smiled at Hatred, and licked at the fresh blood tricking from the split of his lip. "Or what?"

Hatred growled, showing its sharp teeth in a twisted, angry grin. "I'll do what you hate the most."

Remus's smile fell.

"I know what you hate, Remus. I'm _Hatred_. I know everything of what Thomas hates. It's amazing how hate can turn into power, as long as it's used correctly." Hatred curled his finger under Remus's chin. "And I know what you hate most. That gives me power over you. Isn't that great? Well... Maybe only for me."

Remus stayed quiet, eye downcast. He already felt terrified at the thought of being left alone again. And while Hatred was nothing like Logan, it was better than nobody at all.

"Ha," mocked Hatred. "Pathetic. You'd do anything not to be left alone, wouldn't you?"

Remus didn't move.

Because Hatred was right. And for himself, there was no right answer.

"Stupid bitch. This is why no one loves you. And why no one will."

Hatred gave one last scoff and turn on its heel. Immediately, Remus went rigid, his thoughts thrown into an animalistic sort of panic.

"YOU'RE LEAVING ME ?!" Remus's screeched desperately, pulling, tearing his wrists against the metal restraints. Tears flooded his vision as he watched his only company walk away without so much of a backwards glance. Full on sobbing, Remus screamed in that ruined, ruined voice of his. "PLEASE, DON'T LEAVE ME, I'LL DO ANYTHING. PLEASE, Please, please, please..." Remus repeated over and over until his words echoed into nothingness, leaving him to suffer in his own sobs.

Everything was so...

Cold.

Drip. Drip. Drip...

_I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. Please let me die. Why can't I die? Why can't I-_

Remus screwed his eyes shut. Nightmares were fun, so he didn't hate them. Dreams were fun, too, but when he saw Logan's face, smiling softly, basking in warm sunlight-

Remus...

Remus hated dreams.


	6. Made Sense

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pure evil, even for me...

It was so easy to tread along the line of reality and fantasy. Purely out of desperation.

Because holding onto something nonsensical and beautiful was better than living in a metaphorical hell. A hell that was too quiet, too lonely, and made too much sense.

Of course no one loved him. Of course no one cared. Of course that's why they weren't coming for him.

It made sense.

But-

He wished he didn't have to dream the most beautiful, stupid dreams. Because it meant he'd have to wake up eventually. Wake up and face the sense he didn't want to face. Every. Single. Time he opened his eyes. Again and again and again-

It was almost like his own personal torture. And he couldn't stop. He couldn't stop because he kept on closing his eyes, because he loved the dream but he hated the dream. He closed his eyes, in hopes- in hopes that when he opened them again, he would be greeted by the nonsense he saw behind his eyes. He would be loved.

Logan held him so gently in the dreams. Didn't hurt him. His voice murmured sweet nothings to him, the sound like a purring in his chest. Not like screaming. His lips would be on his cheeks, his nose, his lips, caressing him with sweet love. Sweeter than bruises.

But, it was too happy and nice, too sugar and spice. Not realistic and too nonsensical. Logan probably wouldn't even want to touch him. He was so ruined, anyway. Ruined, ruined, ruined...

But that was okay, it made sense. He didn't expect Logan to ever want to come near him.

_If I know it makes sense, why do I still dream? It's all pointless, so pointless..._

Oh, he couldn't resist closing his eyes.

Logan was sleeping, his breathing sharp and concise like everything the man did. His body beside Remus's was warm and satisfied his need for touch. Logan's fingers were wrapped around his throbbing wrists-- both of them, somehow- it hurt, but he wasn't going to complain with what was given to him. At least it was easy to drown out the pain when he focused very hard on the sound of Logan's breathing, which- now that he thought about it, sounded a lot like dripping- oh, but it was so warm, so good, so-

Remus blinked his eyes open with a groan, feeling still so groggy and so, so tired. He turned his gaze to a pointless direction, blinking again to try to adjust to the ever enveloping darkness.

In front of him, he saw bookcases and science posters.

Wait, that wasn't right-

Remus jumped at the sound of breathing next to him and jerked his head to the side. Who was that sleeping beside him? Was there someone sleeping beside him? No, no, no, Logan wouldn't-

Would he?

No, no, no, reality was supposed to make sense, so why did- why was- what was-

It was so hard to see in the dark and with one eye-

Remus shook his head and blinked, thinking he was dreaming, wishing he wasn't- because, it couldn't have been real, could it? No, it couldn't, there was no way- they wouldn't- he wasn't worth-

Remus blinked again and-

Nothing.

There was nothing but darkness and even though Remus could have sworn what he saw was real, there was nothing. No posters, no bookcase, no breathing.

That made sense.

"Oh." Remus croaked. "_Oh._" Softly, broken. "Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh." The tears flooding from his eyes burned his swollen cheeks and the cough of his sobs hurt everything- his throat, his ribs, his lungs, everything.

"I want- I want-" Remus struggled through his cries, same as his wrists in the restraints. "I want out. I want to get out. Please, let me out. Please, please, _please_..."

Remus screwed his eyes shut. Logan smiled at him. So warm, so nice-

Remus snapped his eyes open and screamed and screamed and screamed. Kicking, thrashing, begging to be released.

"Aw, does little Remus want to get out?" A voice echoed from the darkness, approaching Remus with light, almost cheerful steps.

_The Figment of Fantasy._

"Yes! _Yes._" Remus practically sobbed.

"Well," chuckled Fantasy, "isn't that too bad." Fantasy snapped its fingers and instantly, Remus could smell the leather.

"Please, don't, please, don't." Remus whimpered, shaking so bad, it almost hurt to breathe.

Fantasy chortled, cracking the whip to the ground.

"Tell you what, Remus."

Crack! Remus screamed.

"If you ask me nicely-" Crack! "I'll let you out." Crack!

Remus wheezed for a breath, his body shaking so much, he was sure it was about to give out on him.

"What, can't talk?" There came a laugh. Crack!

Blood. Blood was dripping down his back. Ruined, so ruined-

"Please-!"

Crack!

"What was that? I missed that last part!"

Remus gasped. "Please, let me-" Crack! "Please, let-" Crack! "Let me out! I want out, let me out-!"

"Tsk, tsk, Remus. I said to ask me _nicely_."

"PLEASE-"

Crack! "It's just a couple of simple words, Remus. If you can't do it, it just proves to show how much you really want to stay!" Fantasy laughed. "Besides, what are you going to do when you get out, anyway? Nobody would love you except us."

Crack! Remus screamed.

"I mean, it makes sense," Fantasy said. "Did you really think there was anything about you to love? You know _Logan_ never would." Fantasy cackled. "Oh, but I guess there's no harm in letting you have your own fantasies. I just wanted to make sure you weren't confusing _fiction_ with _reality._"

Remus hung his head, breathing raggedly as the tears steamed down his face.

"It makes sense, unlike your dreams,_ doesn't it, Remus?_"

Remus choked on a sob. And nodded.

His dreams _were_ nothing more than nonsense. How could he have something so nice when he was something so horrible that didn't deserve-

Fantasy was right.

It made sense.


	7. Why Won't They Let Me-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More terrible things happen to Remus.

Again, the time passed felt like ages. Remus had been counting the seconds, the minutes, the hours, but he had long since lost track. And he was still so alone, this time with no expectation of waking up to something better.

Remus could take a lot. That was what he was best at. But after a while, things started to get dull. Remus was obsessive, yes, and this was fine at first, yes. But Remus never remained fixated on one thing for so long. And now, he was tried.

Remus wouldn't say he had given up, but he would say he was taking a break from fighting. He had been so lost in this darkness for a while now, looking for the light, and every time he thought he saw a flicker, it was choked out by the overwhelming darkness, and he was lost again.

It was so...fucking pointless.

"So, what are you going to do now?" asked Remus's own voice.

"I don't know!" cackled Remus, delirious, "I haven't eaten in a while, but it looks like there's food for me here- look, tricking down my arms, there's pus and maggots!"

"Oh, your wrists are looking boney! Literally! Doesn't it itch so badly?"

"Sure does! Been driving me crazy! I can't even feel my hands anymore! Actually, I feel kinda numb everywhere!"

"Isn't it great?"

"Nope, but that's okay! I have to get used to it because I'm neeever getting out!"

"Not physically, no. But there are other ways to get out! Drugs, sleep, suicide-"

"Oh, I've always wanted to try that! These chains would do, right? If I could just get them around my neck-"

"Maybe you could choke on your own vomit?"

"Asphyxiation _is _kinky."

"Could you ask the Figments to kill you?"

Remus went silent. And then he laughed. A small snort first, which soon turned into a chesty chuckled, until it turned into hysterics. The laugh wavered steadily from sobbing to laughing, until there was no more laughing and everything died down into sobbing.

"They won't let me die." Remus choked on his sobs, wheezing to catch his breath, and everything hurt- "_They won't let me die._ Why won't they just let me _die_?"

"Because... they're the only ones who love you?" Came his own, timid voice.

"But I- but I don't want their love anymore. I want- I want-"

"Yes, Remus. You want, you want, and you want and do nothing else." Rasped a third voice from the darkness.

Remus made no effort to move because he saw no reason to. He saw no reason to do anything, really. It hurt less when he didn't fight back so much, anyway.

"When were you going to wake up and see the world isn't so kind?" The voice went on, getting closer and closer to Remus with every word. An icy hand entangled itself into Remus's hair, gripping tightly, but not enough to hurt. Remus hated how comforting such a rough grip was to him. The voice, however, was harsh and sharp like tin as it hissed in his ear. "When were you going to realize the world doesn't _care _about you?"

"Projecting, are we, Depression?" Remus said tiredly with a shit-eating grin.

The Figment of Depression stood before him, its mouth twisted into a deep frown. Its hand left Remus's hair.

"Hatred, Apathy, and Fantasy really did a number on you. Don't make me hurt you, too."

"You act like it's my choice," Remus shot back without missing a beat. "Which, if it was, first of all, that's kinky. Second, do we have a safeword?"

"You said you wanted to die. I think that's the first thing to ever make sense coming out of your mouth."

"I've been making too much sense after Fantasy broke my mind, so thank him for that for me."

Depression tilted its head, staring at Remus tentatively.

"Tell me, Remus," it paused, "how exactly would you like to die?"

Remus lifted his head, eye twinkling with revived hope. "You'll do it?"

"Just answer me."

Remus's mind was running a mile a minute. There were so many ways he had thought of to die. A personal favorite of his was crucification, being known as one of the most torturous forms of death. And yet, something as simple as strangulation was enticing. Decisions, decisions.

"I don't know, there are just so many ways, aren't there?"

Depression stood still for a moment, then slowly moved its form closer to Remus, so close that Remus could feel the frigid air surrounding the Figment. Its fingers brushed his neck, pressing into every bruise experimentally. Remus, the touch starved thing he was, cried out at the contact, the sound throaty and primal. He snuggled desperately into the hand, trying to take more and more and-

Depression snapped its fingers, and a rope appeared in its free hand. Remus eyed the item with tired curiosity.

"I know how it is to want to end it all..." Depression said. Slowly, as if in a trance, it wrapped the cord around Remus's neck. It slipped the end of the rope through the loop and gave the mechanism a tug.

"Hng." Remus grinned, looking to the Figment. "Thank you."

"Don't worry...it will all be over soon..."

The Figment pulled the rope taut, instantly crushing Remus's windpipe. Remus let out a strangled sound, tears pricking the corners of his eyes despite the grin on his face. The rope bit into his skin and pushed into the bruises, and though he could not breathe, Remus was consumed by a sense of serenity.

He wasn't giving up. He was just taking a break from fighting.

Slowly, his mind started to calm down. The world was fading into nothingness, growing more and more distant. He could finally see a light in the darkness. A way out. And the light was warm. Logan was...smiling...

The rope went slack.

Remus gasped and choked, frantically filling his lungs with air. But he didn't mean to. He really didn't mean to.

Remus could hear screaming. It sounded so far away.

_I was supposed to die- why won't they let me die-_

"-did you really think I was to going to let you leave me so easily?"

Panting, Remus lifted his gaze to the one in front of him, who was no longer Depression, but Narcissism.

Narcissism scowled. "After all I've done for you. You still want to leave me? Don't you realize the pain you make me go through?" Narcissism stepped closer.

"Hng." Remus moaned. "Fuck you, too."

"I guess I didn't make myself clear enough for you." It reached up and grabbed Remus by the cheek, pressing its thumb into the hollow eye socket.

Remus jolted, a scream ripping through his throat as the thumb pierced through the crusty scabbing and pressed into the bone. Blood swelled out of the hole and dripped down his cheeks.

Drip, drip, drip-

The hand retreated.

"Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry, Intrusive Thoughts, I didn't mean that." Mocked the voice. "You know I love you. I would never hurt you unless it was for a good reason, you know that."

Lips. Lips were on his lips. Rough, sweet, but demanding. Hands were touching him. They dug into his open stomach, held him at the hips--it felt so, so wrong, but Remus couldn't help but whine and moan in pleasure.

"You still love me, too, don't you?" Narcissism asked with heavy breath. "How would you feel if I left you, huh?"

Remus knew it was wrong- it was so wrong- but that's why it was so right-

"Don't- don't leave. Need you." Remus cried, hating himself and hating himself but not knowing what else to do.

"As long as you never leave me," Narcissism said. Then, it sighed. "I really don't want to do this, but I need to make sure you never disobey me again. So."

With a swift movement, the Figment brought its foot down on Remus's leg.

Snap!

Remus screamed as a sharp pain exploded in his leg. Tears mixed in with blood, his face a utter, contorted mess. He panted and whined, staring at his leg, which was now twisted upwards at an unusual angle.

"Don't ever try to leave me again."

"I won't, I won't," Remus repeated, over and over, so desperate, and so, so ruined.

Narcissism stroked Remus's face, its touch tender and good. "Good boy."

Remus closed his eyes and wept silently, but could not resist the hand touching his face. It felt so good, cold, wrong, terrible, nice-

The rope hung loosely around his neck, taunting him.


	8. Is This The Real Life?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Or is this just fantasy?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One rough chapter coming your way, and honestly, this could rank as one of the worst.

It was said that the mind created things in the dark after a while. Visions, hallucinations, dreams that break into the limits of reality.

Remus often saw shadows of people. One, a gallant prince made of gold and sugar and spice. Two, a keen looking man, his features sharp and defined. Three, a man followed by the smell of cookies and warmth and hugs. Four, an aloof body which stayed in comfortable silence. And five, whose envy green eye gleamed with a fond, mischievous smile.

As if what was real wasn't cruel enough, his mind taunted him with things that were his dreams. Either out of pity or out of malice, sometimes it was hard to tell.

But Remus was used to it. He had to get used to it because nothing was ever going to change and he knew he was going to rot in this hell.

Remus could feel his life slipping away from him. He barely spoke or moved at all, unless he was being beaten and abused again--but, really, the abuse had become the highlight of his day. Kept him feeling alive, even for just a moment.

So, it was no wonder that Remus didn't even flinch.

Not when terrible screeching shattered the quiet and the dark, grating against his ears. _Just another auditory hallucination._

Not when the light beamed in his eye and warmed his face. It felt so real, even though Remus knew it was fake. _What kind of lucid dream-_

Not when there were frantic hands on him and finally Remus screamed not to touch him. _Please don't hurt me, I'll be good, I promise, I promise-_

Not when he heard his name, muffled like his ears were made of cotton. _Who am I? Oh, I'm still alive?_

Someone was crying. _Not because of me, I'm ruined, so, so ruined-_

"I'm here, Remus. Dear stars above, I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you. Would you ever forgive me, my dear brother? I love you so much. I'm so sorry. It's okay, I'm here-" Roman's voice was so close. _It sounds so much like Roman, too._

"-get him to safety- Roman- cut through the chains?" _Oh, Logan?-_

"H-how could they h-hurt him l-like that?" _How can this be so realistic? Please, stop it, stop it, I know this isn't real-_

Remus dissolved into violent sobs, wracking his shoulders and tears streaming down his cheeks.

_Don't do this to me- why am I doing this to me? Please don't break me anymore-_

"I swear, I'll fucking murder the Figments for what they did to him."

"They _do_ say revenge is **sweet.**"

Someone was grabbing his face. And wiped the tears away. Felt so gentle, so good. "Remus, are you conscious?"

"Leave me alone- leave me alone-" Remus whimpered.

The hands jumped away.

"Wait, wait- no, I'm sorry- please don't- don't leave me- please, please, please, please-"

"It's alright, Remus, we're right here."

A sharp, metallic sound pierced the air and suddenly the chains holding him up went slack. Remus screamed in agony and relief as he was finally allowed to move, and collapsed helplessly as his legs gave out on him, right into a pair of gentle hands.

"Oh, Remus," cried the voice--Patton--

Patton's?- fingers combed through his matted hair so softly, ridding it of tangles and making everything better. Remus sunk into the embrace. God, it felt so real.

Remus was beginning to wonder when he would wake up.

Another pair strong, shaking arms wrapped around Remus's frail self. "My dear brother, what have they _done_ to you?" Roman?- was sobbing-

Remus had honestly almost forgotten of the pain, because it felt so nice to be in the warmth. What hurt him the most was the fact that he knew he was going to leave this dream-

"Please, let me have this dream again, after I wake up." Remus heard himself say, his whisper cracked and desperate. He turned into the warmth, burying his head into--Patton's--shoulder. Savoring it for the last time. Tears sprung into his eyes. "I don't want to wake up."

"Everything will be fine-" said- Deceit- his familiar gloved hand caressing his cheek. "Sleep, everything will be better when you wake, I promise you."

Remus closed his eyes and cried, maybe even laughed.

The Deceit he knew rarely ever told the truth.

But at least now he could deal with the fact that none of it was real. That all of it would disappear once he woke up.


	9. What They've Done To You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus wakes up, but if Logan is there, it must be a dream?

Remus couldn't move. He just couldn't. He wanted to get away, but the more he struggled, the more it hurt.

The Figments were laughing- or were they?- strange, it sounded muffled-

He could feel their hands on him, grabbing him, holding him, their touch burning into his skin-

There was nothing but darkness. It was always black, so black- so easy to get lost-

He remembered so clearly repeating in his head, over and over, _please don't hurt me, please don't hurt me, please don't hurt me-_

The laughing was getting louder and he still couldn't move-

Remus screwed his eyes shut, shaking, anticipating the worst, and...

Nothing.

But Remus was terrified to open his eyes. There were too many voices, they were getting too loud-

_Open your fucking eyes, I want to see your fear-_

_Stop moving or I'll cut your fingers off-_

_Swallow the glass. Do. Not. Spit it out-_

_I'm trying to show you how much I love you, don't you want that-_

Remus felt his breathing grow ragged and his cheeks grow wet. "I will, I will, don't leave me, please don't hurt me, I love you too, I promise, I love you-"

"Then, open your eyes."

Remus snapped his eyes open, barely letting out a sound and not daring to move.

"Remus, can you hear my voice?"

Logan?-

It wasn't right. Everything wasn't right.

Why was it too bright and why was it warm? Why was he smelling vanilla and spice? Why were there gentle hands holding him- not hitting him?

"Remus, are you conscious?"

Everything was so disorienting- he couldn't think right-

"It appears that you are panicking," spoke Logan's voice, "I can assure you that you are safe. Can you breathe in for me?"

No- lungs hurt-

Remus wheezed in a breath, everything inside him protesting, but he really didn't want-

"Good. It's alright." A thumb stroked the back of his hand. Felt nice- _How are they going to use this against me- _"Now, breathe out slowly. Please?"

Remus did so, but did not hold back against the sobs that began to bubble in his throat.

"Shh, breathe in again."

What was Logan doing here? Why was Logan-

Remus lifted his eyes and met with sharp brown ones. His breath caught in his throat.

Logan looked so soft in the light. The sun caught in his hair and lashes and warmed his cheekbones. Like an angel.

The tension drained away from his body.

"I keep on getting the most beautiful dreams." Remus spoke, finally, in a voice barely above a whisper. He was smiling as the tears dripped down his face. He couldn't stop sobbing. "When I wake up, I want to tell Logan- I want to tell him I love him. When I see him again..."

The Logan in front of him stiffened. "It appears that you believe that this is a dream. I can assure you, you are currently not asleep nor are you experiencing a dream. This is all real, Remus, and I _am_ Logan."

Remus blinked. "... This... Real? How...?"

"I- We found you." Logan explained simply. "You're here now. You're safe."

"This dream is... Strange... I can hear you. You're... Touching me..."

"I...am..."

"Touch my face? Please?"

The Logan hesitated, but gingerly nested Remus's cheek in his palm. Remus sighed.

Logan kept still for a moment, then timidly brushed the pad of his thumb over Remus's split and bruised skin. Logan stroked the edge of Remus's jaw, his fingers so gentle and loving- Remus had trouble remembering. Logan's thumb caught Remus's lips. he trailed over the cracked and bloodied skin, his breath so subtly hiccuping in his throat.

"What have they done to you?" Logan muttered, his voice calm, but uneven. Remus thought maybe there were even tears in Logan's eyes-

"Nothing short of beating me within an inch of my life." Remus replied. He closed his eyes. "At least I get this. When I dream."

"Remus, please understand that you are no longer in the Subconscious," Logan just about pled, "This is not a dream."

"You keep on saying that. I might start to believe you."

"What makes you think this isn't real?"

"You're not hitting me. I might even say you care for me."

Logan stopped breathing. When he spoke, his voice wavered. "_What have they done to you?_"

"I can't- I can't remember."

Logan didn't say anything in response, but continued to brush Remus's cheek.

Remus felt something well up inside him. Tears. Happiness. Warmth. Touch. Feelings he had nearly forgotten.

"Please don't leave me." Remus said, reaching up to catch Logan's hands in his own, but- "Why- why do my- my hands hurt?"

"Your wrists sustained grave injuries from the cuffs," Logan said. "I did my best to treat them, but there was little I could do to reverse the damage." Logan's hands slipped from Remus's cheek and tenderly held his wrist. He traced over the thick gauze, as if to examine the injury. "Given we are metaphysical human beings, you should be able to make a full recovery. The mental trauma, however, I am unsure how you will cope with."

"I won't," Remus said simply. Logan's eyes turned to him. "I mean-" Remus laughed, though his lungs felt heavy. "I already have." He paused. "I think- I think. If this isn't- a dream."

"How so?"

Remus smiled, managing to loosely lace his spasming fingers around Logan's. Sure, it was excruciating, but- "Because those experiences will soon turn into memories. Fond memories, for sure. But not nearly as fond as this one." Remus blinked tears away. "Or any other with you because- because I love you, Logan." _Shut up, shut up, he'll hate you, he'll hit you, you're going to wake up, why are you always talking, they should've kept your mouth-_ Remus repeated, sobbing, shaking- "_I love you, Logan._"

Logan cradled Remus close to his chest, letting Remus cry into his dress shirt.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Remus sobbed.

"Don't be, there is nothing for you to apologise for." Logan shushed. "You're okay, you're safe."

"It's been so long since- since I've felt okay. I thought, if only I could die- maybe, maybe I'd be able to- to see you again-" Remus sobbed harder. "Oh, God, how I wanted to see you. What have they done to me? They tore me apart from the inside out- my insides! Became outsides! They thought I'd look better with fewer eyes and fewer teeth. They hated my voice so they fed me glass and made me scream. And they loved me so much, I loved that they loved me, so I was asking for it when they f-"

"Remus!"

Remus screwed his eyes shut. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I didn't mean it!" _Why can't you just shut-_

"Remus." Logan held him tightly. But not the same way cold hands once held his hips. "Remus, please, breathe."

Remus sucked in a breath, inhaling the smell that was so Logan, so much like books and cologne only teachers wore.

Panic unwound from his chest. Remus breathed out.

"When I wake up, will you be there?"

Logan stared down at him, his beautiful brown eyes shimmering with tears- was it joy or sadness?

"Always."

Remus closed his eyes.

It couldn't have been the real life. Logan couldn't have been there. Remus was sure of it. Because dreams couldn't come true. Dreams so beautiful and perfect. They didn't exist.

Not after he was ruined. Not after what they've done to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An I oop I angsted again.  
But there's also fluff and the next chapter will have more fluff too.
> 
> It's 2am what am I doing I don't know


	10. Am I Broken?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus isn't broken, is he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoop last chapter y'all
> 
> I tired not to angst so this chapter is kinda fluffy but still very angsty
> 
> An I oop

It felt like the world was on its head.

Things didn't make sense?

Since when did his nightmares stray further from sense? Since when did his dreams begin to bleed into reality, like a swollen, oozing, well of pus just waiting to burst?

Now, Remus felt terror, but it wasn't because he was afraid of opening his eyes.

It was because he knew he was dreaming. Because he couldn't feel the sting of leather licking his back, though he thought he smelled it. He couldn't really hear the voices, though he thought they were shouting. He couldn't resist when cold hands were on his legs-

But that wasn't all happening, was it?

Remus, for once in what felt like forever, wanted to wake up.

And, for once in what felt like forever, he could.

Remus blinked his eyes open and- expected to feel fear, panic, hopelessness, something- he expected to scream and cry, and claw against the thin sheets that stuck to his sweaty skin- that's what usually happened after nightmares, right?

But, no. He felt calm. Like he knew he was fine. Safe.

Maybe it was because he remembered Logan. That was real, right? Logan- where was he?

Remus turned his sore body in an attempt to see, but now it was a little dark. Not the suffocating kind of darkness, but the kind that brushed his beady forehead with a cool kiss.

There was a candle lit, not only could Remus smell the cinnamon wax, but the warm hue was gentle on his waking eyes.

He could barely hear the hushed voices, the muffled weeping, the sound of pages turning.

Remus blinked his eye once more--eyes? Did he only have one eye now, he forgot--disturbing the crust that was collected in the corners of his eyelids.

He saw Roman watching him by the coffee table, tears tracks lining his perfect cheekbones. His looked to Logan on the armchair, a book nestled in his lap. Virgil was so quiet beside him. He saw Patton and Deceit hugging--that was strange, didn't Patton hate Deceit?

"Remus, Remus, you're awake," Roman's tired voice finally croaked. One of the saddest smiles Remus had ever seen broke on Roman's face.

And Remus was acutely aware of all the eyes on him. He didn't mean to, he just couldn't help the shaking, how he curled in on himself--not on purpose--there were too many people-

"Remus, please breathe for me." Said Logan.

_But? I am? Breathing?_

Even so, he did as he was told- he didn't want to get hurt-

But Roman wouldn't hurt him.

"Roman," Remus said, attempting to extend his arm to his brother.

Roman was at his side in a moment. "What is it, Remus?"

"Hug me? Too many people." Remus tried to say, but he was having a hard time speaking.

"I'm here, I'm here," Roman murmured softly whilst on the verge of weeping. He held Remus tightly.

Being in Roman's arms felt safer than safe. Remus knew nothing was going to happen to him, not when he was wrapped up in warm, strong arms, and surrounded by smells of sugar and spice.

That alone seemed to help ground him back to reality. And the reality was clear to him now: they were the Sides, they weren't going to hurt him.

All he saw in his nightmares were left behind in the Subconscious.

Hopefully.

Remus laxed and clutched his brother's garbs. Not letting go. The pad of Roman's shoulder was starting to dampen. And Remus realized the tears and hiccuping sobs were coming from him.

_But, I'm happy now, I'm okay now,_ Remus thought, _they can't hurt me anymore-_

Yet, visions of blood and silver and lust pierced through his head and Remus screwed his eyes shut and cried.

Roman was right there, but Remus wasn't.

He was somewhere dark, breaking into pieces due to the cracks _they_ gave him.

Though, he wasn't really, Remus knew that, but his mind couldn't differentiate between memories and reality. He could hear it, he could feel it when they held him, hurt him, screamed at him, and-

"Remus, it appears you are experiencing a panic attack." A hand was holding his and it- it felt nice? Remus almost wanted to scream, he didn't want them to touch his hands.

And his skin- Remus needed to be out of his skin. **He wanted out of his skin.**

"Oh, my God, Roman stop touching him, Logan, stop it- fuck- Don't touch him. _Stop it._"

"It's fine, it'll be fine."

But when Roman moved to pull away, Remus was stricken with dread. _Don't leave me, I'm sorry, I don't want to be alone-_ He dug his blunt nails into Roman's back, strong enough to knock the wind out of Roman's lungs when he was forced back against Remus's chest.

"Please, don't go." Remus begged. "I'll stop it, I promise."

Roman let out a small pained cry. "I'm right here, I'm right here, I promise."

_Why am I like this? Why can't I just forget like before? _ **Why can't I just be normal again?**

Remus held on to Roman so tightly his arms shook.

_The cracks will go away, right?_

"I need- I need-"

"Deep breaths."

Remus took a breath.

_Am I really broken?_

"Logan, Patton, Virgil, Deceit-"

"I am present."

"I'm right here, kiddo."

"I'm not leaving you, you stinky trash man."

"Yes?"

_I've had worse, after all-_

"Need you- hold me- please, please, please-"

That was what he needed. God, he needed-

Remus needed the silk of a necktie to stroke his cheek, the smell of vanilla to tickle his nose, the sound of scratchy breathing, two gloved hands holding him.

_All of it is just a nightmare now, isn't it?_

Remus cried and cried, until his eyes hurt, but his heart was full.

Though the shadows grasped and ripped at his mind, a deep well of memories black as tar. He could feel them. He could feel their hearts. He could feel their love and warmth. They were there. He wasn't alone. He was loved.

Roman, Logan, Patton, Virgil, Deceit-

They were there and they _loved him._

The nightmares couldn't hurt him anymore.

Remus closed his eyes. Smiling.

_Because now, I'm dreaming._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was two a.m. when i started this story and it didn't make sense  
Only fitting I end this story at two a.m. and not make any sense, too
> 
> Thanks for joining me for the ride, thank you for all the comments, kudos, hits, and hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Also happy New year


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